Consent For A Better World
Recently a LinkedIn connection, Sarah Kawamura, shared an experience. It was a good reminder about the principles of respect and consent. The experience was also a reminder how easily we can go beyond appropriate boundaries. Even good intentions do not give us license to violate a person’s boundaries and consent. We must recognize and respect consent for a better world.
Sarah had been going through a lot and stated in previous posts she was taking some time away from LinkedIn because she was busy and going through some things. Specifically, she also said she wasn’t going to be responding to messages. Soon after, because she didn’t respond to his message, a Pastor decided to video call her. She declined. He sent another message demanding she talk to him because he was “checking up” on her. She blocked him. Although it seems the Pastor was well intentioned and wanted to help better her world, he did not respect her stated boundaries. He went beyond the boundaries she had set and consented to. He showed by doing so, that he did not respect her.
Respect
Respect is an important thing. Often, people have their reasons for respecting or not respecting someone. Justifications for disrespect are usually based on things like “he disrespected me”, “I disagree with her choice”, or “He’s different”. The justification may or may not be stated exactly like this, but you can probably think of examples you’ve seen that sound and feel similar. When you look at these reasons though, they are selfish. Respect is being withheld or withdrawn based on the feelings or thoughts towards another person.
Respect should be given based on who the other person is. The other person is a human being. They have the same basic natural human rights you do. This is the ideal. Unfortunately, many people are not yet at a place where they can hold to this ideal.
Whether someone has respect for another or not, whether their thoughts and feelings are selfishly based or not, the minimum standard should be consent. Consent should always be respected. The Pastor in Sarah’s story violated her consent by disrespecting the boundaries she had set and expressed. One could argue that by violating her consent, he violated her.
Consent
Consent is one of the basic principles of society. Taking something from someone without consent is theft. Requiring someone to spend their time and effort on your behalf without their consent is slavery. Going onto someone’s property without consent is trespassing. Consent should be a universal expectation and a basic part of what a child learns.
Simply learning and living the principle of consent would solve, even prevent, so many of the problems we face as a society, a nation, and a world. Crime, violence, war, and all manner of disputes would nearly disappear if everyone lived the principle of consent. Disagreements would be resolved peacefully. The world would be a much happier and peaceful place. Consent will bring about a better world.
How do we get there? We teach consent, we recognize boundaries, we filter, and we call people out when necessary.
Teaching Consent
Children need to be taught the importance of consent. This teaching should come first from parents. Then consent should be taught by schools, churches, other social groups, and other family and friends. If a message is being taught by word and example, from a variety of teachers, then it is much more likely the lesson will be learned. Yes, consent can and should be taught by example.
How do we teach consent by example? We show consent to be important to us. When you’re playing with your children if they ask you to stop, you stop. If they say they don’t like something you’re doing, you stop. As they reach an age developmentally where they understand what’s going on, ask if it’s OK to give them a hug. Let them have control over what happens to their body and teach them they can consent or decline. Remember, just because something was OK once, doesn’t mean it will be OK in the future, so continue to ask.
Recognizing Consent
Recognizing the need for consent is an important part of interpersonal relationships. Going back to the story with the Pastor, he did not recognize the need for and importance of consent. He was doing what he felt he should and did not heed the established boundary. People set boundaries all the time. Sometimes those boundaries are explicitly stated, like a “No Trespassing” sign. Other times, boundaries are implicit. If you reach out to touch someone, even if it is just a pat on the shoulder for example, and they close off their body, flinch, or turn away, they are communicating implicitly to you that you do not have their consent to touch them.
We must not only remember and recognize the need for consent, but we need to be able to recognize when consent is not given, given, or given then withdrawn. Yes, consent once given can be withdrawn. Remember, it is a basic human right for people to decide what happens to their property and person.
Filtering For Consent
Filtering is closely related to recognizing the need for consent. Once we recognize the need for consent, we need to filter our thoughts, words, and deeds to ensure our what we think, say, and do falls within the boundaries of consent. The Pastor who demanded a call with Sarah, should have run his desire to communicate with her through his consent filter. She said she would not be responding to messages or calls, but he disregarded her expressed boundaries. His assumedly good intentions let him to do something that was, simply stated, not good. If he had set aside his desire for contact and respected her boundaries, he wouldn’t have been blocked, and could then check in with Sarah at a later time when it was OK with her. Since he didn’t apply his consent filter and respect her boundaries, he lost that opportunity.
Calling Out When Consent Is Violated, Disrespected, Or Unacknowledged
When we see consent and boundaries being violated or disrespected, directly or indirectly, we should call it out. For example, often reports about teachers charged with inappropriate relationships with students have headlines like “35 year old teacher arrested for sex with 14 year old student”. This type of headline ignores consent. Legally, someone who is a child does not have the ability to consent to sex with an adult. The power and authority structure implicit in a teacher-student relationship also makes it more difficult if not impossible for there to be true consent. When we see those types of headlines, we should call them out. Take a screenshot, “fix it” and then share it on social media. Contact the publisher and express your thoughts and feelings about the word choice.
Sometimes we need to be careful when individuals are involved. We don’t want to make assumptions about when consent is given or what someone’s boundaries are. When we do so, we can easily violate consent and boundaries ourselves. We may think we’re doing the right thing when we come to the rescue, but the person we are trying to rescue may not need or want us to rescue them. If you have to call someone out because of an issue regarding consent or respect, try to do it nicely. If someone calls you out for something you said or did, try to take it as a learning opportunity and a foundation for doing better in the future. Remember, we are all at different places in life, and in our journey, so please be as kind as possible. Kindness and respect together with consent will build a better world.
A Path To A Better World
What are some respectful, effective ways you can set boundaries?
How can you be more mindful of consent and boundaries?
What are some ways you can think of to effectively teach consent?
Humanity’s conscience and consciousness are both growing. We are becoming better people. We’ve made some extraordinary positive changes in our past. More changes for the better are being made. If we make a united, concentrated focus and effort to teach, recognize, and filter based on consent, then call it out when consent is not respected, we can help make the world a better place. This is a simple way we can build a better, happier, more peaceful world. Will you consent to join me in building and living in a better world?
Garrett Leeds is the multipassionate founder of the Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness Project. He is a writer, creator, father, and empathic human being. At the end of 2020 he published his first book, a book of poems entitled Love, Longing, And The Empty. When he isn’t writing, building his business, or spending time with family he can usually be found playing games, consuming media, or pondering deep questions.
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